Picture this: You're at the grocery store with a full shopping cart and a fussy toddler.

He spots some candy and starts to beg. You shake your head. Then he kicks and screams.

To make matters worse, the store is full of shoppers — and they all seem to be shooting dirty looks your way. What's the best way to handle this aggravating situation?

Absolutely do not cave in and buy the sweet stuff for the kid, said Dr. Jeffrey Okamoto, a developmental behavior pediatrician at Kapi'olani Medical Center for Wo-men and Children.

"One strategy would be if they came in a car or van, to set the cart aside and take the child into the car for time out," said Okamoto, who is also an assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Hawai'i medical school.

Okamoto tackles this and other temper-tantrum issues at the New Baby & Kids Expo on Sunday at the Blaisdell Exhibition Hall. (See box.)

"The session will be a look at what tends to lead to it, what tends to happen after and what can parents do to help," he said.

When dealing with temper tantrums, it's important for parents to keep in mind that it should be a learning experience for themselves and their children, Okamoto said.

For example, if a child wants to stick his finger into an electrical socket, then throws a tantrum because his parent won't let him do that, rather than punishing the child, the parent should calmly explain that it's dangerous so he learns not to do it again, Okamoto said.

"If the parent can emphasize that it's a learning time for children rather than it's a punishment time for children, that's always better," he said.

To give parents a preview of Okamoto's talk this weekend, we asked him to answer a few questions:

Q. When frustrated parents are in the middle of calming a tantrum, they probably wonder, "Is this normal?" Is it?

A. "Most of the cases that we see in our clinics are normal kids, and they're going through a normal stage of life. But there are some kids who, say, have a language problem — and it's very common in that toddler/ preschool age — say they have a language delay, and they are just not able to speak well. That's going to worsen the problem because they have lost one way of communicating with their parents, so they possibly use temper tantrums as a form of communication."

Q. What are the most common ages children throw these fits?

A. "Probably between 2 to 4, and a lot of this is because they are starting to individualize from their parents. The reason why they tend to get better when they get older is that the kids learn situationally how to deal with things, and their communication, of course, gets better."

Q. What triggers tantrums?

A. "It's very dependent on the child. Some children are very much more likely to have temper tantrums just because of their temperament, their personality, while some are more calm and they tend not to be triggered so easily. But both types of kids can have tantrums triggered by something very emotional ... something that they really want and they can't get, or something they really want to do but they can't do."

Q. What is one of the biggest mistakes parents make when handling this kind of situation?

A. "Giving in to the child's every want. And you know, for particularly more intense kids, that is much more likely because parents don't want to have to deal with it."

Q. If parents practice your tips, realistically, how long before they actually see a difference in their children?

A. "That depends on how long the temper tantrums have been going on. The longer they've been going on — and usually children are used to a certain pattern of behavior working — it would take longer for them to go away."

Reach Zenaida Serrano at zserrano@honoluluadvertiser.com.