Q. I am the mother of three boys. My husband's sister has two boys and one girl. This girl is treated as a princess! She sits at the "adult table" for gatherings, while all boys sit in the kitchen even though all of my boys are older than she. She is also always given the first serving of dessert, always gets to open her presents first, and is always the center of attention.

All this happens and the child doesn't even speak to me or my children. I am about at my wits' end. I have to restrain myself from spanking this child for her rude behavior! I realize, however, that it is her parents who need the discipline.

How do I deal with this so that my boys don't end up feeling like second-class citizens when they're with their cousins?

A. Willie and I have six grandchildren, five boys and a girl, and we both think it is only fitting that boys learn at an early age that females rule the world. It took me a long time to accept this, but I'm a better person for it. Willie will confirm that.

Seriously, I think you're making more of this than it merits. In the first place, I think it's important that boys learn that girls do and should get served first, that they should have doors opened for them, and so on. In the second place, I'd wager there isn't room at the table for all six grandchildren.

Since boys tend to be rowdier and since they'd probably rather sit together anyway, it makes perfectly good, even impeccable, common sense for the sole female grandchild to be seated at the table. Sitting the one girl with five of the boys doesn't make much sense, now, does it? I mean, she probably wouldn't want to be there, and the boys wouldn't want her to be there. Why should any of them have to endure that indignity?

I also agree that the girl cousin should get the first piece of dessert and open the first present. After dinner, I offer Willie her choice of the dessert plates, and I give her a present on Christmas morning before she gives me one. She wouldn't be upset if either of these situations happened otherwise, but my parents taught me at an early age to do things that way. Likewise, you should be teaching your boys to practice their male courtesies on their female cousin. Instead, you are teaching them to resent her! Shame on you! Go to your room!

Having said all that, no child should be allowed to lord it over other children or be rude to adults. If this is the case, and I take your word for it, then this child is being misguided. I don't think, however, that you are going to get the parents' attention, not unless you jerk her up and, as we say in North Carolina, begin whalin' the tar out of her, which I'm by no means recommending (calm down, you anti-spanking zealots out there). And even then, I doubt the parents would get it. You'd probably end up being sentenced to a year of counseling and community service.

So restrain yourself and be comforted. Your boys will not suffer permanent psychological harm because of this. The worst thing that will happen to them is they won't like their cousin, which is unfortunate for all concerned. When they begin realizing what's going on and express some frustration over it, I'd gently remind that it's their job to love her no matter what, and be polite and gentlemanly toward her no matter what. And let that be the beginning and the end of it.

John Rosemond is a family psychologist. Questions of general interest may be sent to him at Affirmative Parenting, 1020 East 86th St., Suite 26B, Indianapolis, IN 46240 and at his Web site, www.rosemond.com.