It's universal and timeless. When parents and teens come together, whether during the casual days of summer or the hopped-up schedule of the school year, things can go south in a hurry.

"Why do you keep nagging me about that?"

"Nagging? I'm not nagging."

Jeff Herring, a family therapist, spends a lot of time counseling parents about why teens say and do what they say and do and how best to deal with youngsters in the throes of adolescence.

Lately, though, Herring has turned the psychological tables, counseling teens on why parents say and do what they say and do and how best to deal with adults in the throes of parenthood.

"These are things kids can do for the care and feeding of their parents," said Herring, author and nationally syndicated columnist based in Tallahassee, Fla. Herring, who used to live in Overland Park, Kan., has a counseling Web site at www.jeffherring.com. "Basically, I'm telling them that if you want your parents off your back, here are some strategies to do it."

Directing advice toward teens rather than parents isn't something you hear much about, said Stephen Sirridge, professor of psychology at Avila University. But it's a great way for young people to learn how to get more of what they want, he said.

"It's teaching them how to negotiate," said Sirridge, co-author of a new book, "The Land of Odds: Parenting the Teen Tornado." "These are life skills. They learn to assess not only what they want but what other people's needs are and the circumstances of the situation."

Sure, asking teenagers to tune in to their parents is a tall order, Sirridge said. But the oft-used teen strategy, wearing parents down to get their way, has only spotty success and creates mounds of bad feelings.

"If you're obnoxious enough for long enough you may get your way, but ultimately it backfires," Sirridge said. "You've learned how to push people, but in the long run it creates resentment. It'll blow up."

One of the most important strategies for taming parents is recognizing when conditions are ideal for negotiating or rather when they're not ideal. Discuss chores, allowances, curfew changes, going-out privileges, whatever, during times of good feelings, Sirridge said. Teens shouldn't demand a later curfew while heading out the door or try to renegotiate room-cleaning duties in the middle of a parental lecture.

Pick low-stress times for a discussion, Sirridge said, after a good meal, for instance, or on the way somewhere when it's just teen and parent in the car. And teens should know their family's values well enough to realize that some things aren't negotiable.

If you find yourself complaining about nagging parents, ask yourself these questions: How long have you known your parents? Based on those 15 or so years, can you kind of predict what's important to them and what's going to bug them?

"Contrary to popular belief, parents don't stay up at night thinking, 'How many ways can I nag them tomorrow?' " Herring said.

Pick a thing your parents nag you about. Get ahead of the situation and do it or fix it before they even say anything. Enjoy the shock and confusion on their faces.

In your eyes, you're all grown up. In your parents' eyes, you're the same person they once held in their arms. In other words, understand that it's wonderful but also hard for your parents to see you grow up. If they treat you like a kid sometimes, realize the perspective they're bringing to the situation, then negotiate.

Also, their advanced years inform them in ways you can't know yet. Consider the helicopter analogy: When you're 15, you view the world from a helicopter 15 feet off the ground. When you're hovering 40 feet off the ground, things look a lot different.

"This is probably the hardest one for kids to get," Herring said.

This should be easier: Your parents are not the enemy. In fact, they are loaded with information. Pick their brains about any number of topics, from getting along with certain people to getting your first job. Plus, you make them feel good just by asking their advice. Who doesn't want to feel as though they have some wisdom to impart?

Your parents are interested in you, so you know it's going to happen: They will ask you about your day. If you handle it the wrong way, the conversation will go like this: How was your day? Fine. What did you do? Nothing. Oh, you must have done something. Aaugh!

Don't have that exchange. Instead, pick out one thing from your day and tell them all about it. That will satiate them for a while. During school it's OK to remind them that you've just been through six or seven classes and need some downtime.

When you're heading out to be with friends, you know the details your parents must have. Where are you going? What will you be doing? Who will you be doing it with? When will you be home?

Don't consider this an intrusion. It's actually your ticket to freedom. Consistently — and honestly — supply this information and the more your parents will let you do. Some teens have a form they fill out with blanks next to the W's, Herring said. They fill in the blanks and avoid the interrogation.

You want to be more and more in charge of yourself, and guess what? That's what your parents want, too. Nobody wants you living in the house at age 30. The more you show you can be trusted, the more freedom you will have. Ask yourself a question: Is what I'm doing something that will build trust or something that will break trust?

"In a family, trust is a commodity," Herring said. "The more you earn, the more you will be in charge of yourself."

LEAH BLAKE

Age: 16.

Lives in: Overland Park, Kan.

Issue: Between going out with friends this summer and working, Leah often isn't home in the evenings. Her mom wants to see her more, not to do anything in particular but just to be around.

"My side of it is that I've only got one more year with my high school friends, and anyway I think I am around some," Leah says.

Jeff Herring, family therapist: This is a case of battling perceptions. Leah is right, but her mom's view is that she will have Leah around for only a little while longer before she is off into her own life. They should pick a family night during the week when everyone is home and the family does something together, even if it's just to hang out.

JAMES MILLER

Age: 15.

Lives in: Kansas City, Mo.

Issue: James thinks his parents try to stay in touch with him way too much. When he's with his friends at a movie, they call him on his cell. The constant checking-up is annoying.

"I'm where I'm supposed to be. It's like they have to know what I'm doing at all times to make sure I'm doing the right thing."

Jeff Herring, family therapist: Since James' parents are going to call anyway, he might as well get out in front of it and call them first. I know this stinks, but at least James will be in charge of when the calls are made. Or he can work out a prearranged time to call while away from home.

CORBIN KLINE

Age: 17.

Lives in: Overland Park, Kan.

Issue: He wants to stop getting bugged about his room. Corbin's mom doesn't like all the clutter, especially the clothes on the floor. Sometimes she gets fed up and cleans, which he doesn't appreciate.

"I have a system, even though it's messy. I know where things are. When she tries to clean, I don't know where my stuff is."

Jeff Herring, family therapist: Ann Landers would say, "Once kids turn 13, the way for parents to handle their room is to close the door." Unless there's structural damage or something that can affect the house's resale value. At the same time, Corbin should know what to expect from his mom. And he should keep her out of his room and his "organizational system" by maintaining a minimum standard of clean, defined by both mom and teen.

Issue: She wants to go to a professional basketball exhibition with friends. Her parents have told her she can't go because they're ambivalent about a few of the friends. This has come up with other outings, such as movies and concerts.

BRITTANY COLSTON

Age: 15.

Lives in: Kansas City, Mo.

"I really like basketball, and it'll be a nice experience. They should trust me more not to make bad decisions when I go places."

Jeff Herring, family therapist: It may be that Brittany's parents trust her but don't trust her friends. Or it could be that the parents just don't know the friends that well, and Brittany should find ways for her parents to get to know them better. Parents need to know the "who" of what kids are doing, and this might be a way.