Q. My just-turned 3-year-old daughter started masturbating about six months ago, seemingly to calm herself when she was upset. That didn't bother me, but she's doing it more frequently now, and I'm beginning to get concerned. How can I get her to stop?

A. It's not all that unusual for little girls as young as 3, and sometimes younger, to discover the "magic button" and become somewhat obsessed with "pushing" it. Masturbation is more common in girls this age than it is in boys, which may have something to do with the fact that boys are generally more active than girls. In any case, it's nothing to worry about, not in and of itself. (I should mention, however, that excessive masturbation, if not the result of early attempts at self-pacification — as is the case here — may be a marker of sexual abuse. Parents with suspicions/concerns along these lines should contact their child's physician.)

This age child is very much a pleasure seeker with a limited sense of what adults generally consider right vs. wrong, which is why a toddler keeps climbing up on the counter for the cookie jar, no matter how many times he's reprimanded.

My point here is that just as you can't punish or persuade a young child to stop wanting to eat chocolate chip cookies, you can't punish or persuade a young child to stop masturbating. And, needless to say (I hope!), shaming the child is definitely NOT the answer.

So, what to do? Tell your daughter that children are not allowed to do "that" — give it a neutral name or just call it "rubbing" — anywhere except in a certain bathroom (or any place in the house that isn't awful, just boring).

Furthermore, if caught doing "that" anywhere except the bathroom, they have to go to the bathroom and stay for 5 minutes. It's the rule. Period.

Now, it's important that when you apprehend your daughter in the act that you not make a big deal of it. Just say, "You know the rule. You have to go to the bathroom for 5 minutes." If she promises to stop, say, "That's OK, but you still have to go to the bathroom because it's the rule. You can stop in there."

It's important that you not make this seem like punishment, which it isn't. It's simply a gentle means of helping her begin exercising some control over something she's probably going to continue doing, for a while at least.

Once a little girl finds this particular button, she's going to keep pushing it, and the more attention she gets for it, the more adult hand-wringing that ensues, the more she's going to push. You can get your daughter to limit her masturbation, but she probably won't stop completely until she finds a sufficient number of other things and activities with which to occupy her time.

Along those lines, if she's not already involved in a preschool program, enroll her in one. Don't let her watch much television, if any at all. Keep her as active as possible, but don't run yourself ragged in the process. This is not a test of how good a mother you are. In the final analysis, where your daughter puts her hands has nothing whatsoever to do with you. Keep that perspective, please.

Family psychologist John Rosemond answers parents' questions at www.rosemond.com.