Just because more than half of new mothers in the United States go back to work within three months of giving birth doesn't mean they like it. Mommy's separation anxiety is an issue hot enough to make it onto the television hit "Desperate Housewives," with Felicity Huffman's character being pulled between baby obligations and her job as an advertising executive. And just ask Kristen Bonilla, who feels a pang in her heart every morning when she leaves her newborn son, Cody, with the baby sitter in Manoa.

The first-time mom returned to her job three weeks ago, after being on leave for four months, and she struggles whenever she separates from her baby.

"I was so sad" about going back to work, Bonilla said with a heavy sigh. "I feel bad about leaving him with a baby sitter and paying for someone else to take care of him when I want to take care of him."

As much as Bonilla enjoys her job as a public information officer, she would have preferred to put off her return to the office at least two more months. In fact, she'd like to be a stay-at-home mom. But the 1950s are long gone, and as with many O'ahu mothers, circumstances — mainly financial ones — have driven Bonilla back to the grind.

In the late 1990s, nearly 60 percent of mothers returned to work within six months of giving birth, an increase from 14 percent in the early 1960s, according to a U.S. Census Bureau report last year on maternity leave and employment patterns of first-time mothers.

Hawai'i's high cost of living has "made it imperative for families to have two incomes," said Susan K. Hippensteele, director of the women's studies program at the University of Hawai'i-Manoa.

Other factors that contribute to new moms returning to work sooner include a desire to get back to a routine schedule and to avoid losing "a competitive edge" in the office, Hippensteele said.

"Maternity leave for most patients is about six weeks for a vaginal delivery, eight weeks for a C-section, and then on top of that, some employers will offer them the family medical leave, and that can be up to three months," said Steven Kang, an obstetrician with Kaiser Permanente.

Bonilla was on maternity leave for two months and stayed home an additional two months on family medical leave and vacation time. Still, Bonilla wishes she had more leave time to be with her baby.

"It goes by really fast," said the Honolulu resident, 30.

"Returning to work obviously can be a very traumatic experience," Kang said. "It's hard, the separation from their newborn can be very difficult."

To make the transition — both into maternity leave, then back to work — less painful, plan ahead, advised Kang. "People can't start preparing early enough for their maternity leave, and I counsel all my patients that they should really think about the issues that are going to become important after they deliver," Kang said.

PREPARING FOR LEAVE

First and foremost, contact your human resources department before going on leave, said Cyndee Uchima, director of the human resources service center/work force planning at Kaiser Permanente. It will be able to provide information on leave options and procedures, continuation of benefits and compensation while on leave, disability programs, and any other pregnancy/mother-in-the-workplace and childcare resources, she said.

"Inform your supervisor of your need for leave early enough so proper coverage can be arranged," Uchima added.

Avoid "wishy-washy communication" with your supervisor, said Hippensteele, who's also a founding partner of the Hawai'i Women's Law Center, where she practices family law. Be clear and direct about when you want to start your leave.

"Because if this is an issue that's going to cause your employer anxiety, you don't want to contribute to that," Hippensteele said.

While on leave, be sure to keep in touch with your supervisor and human resources department on your return-to-work date, Uchima said.

At work and home, try to get as much done beforehand as possible and don't leave things till the last minute, Bonilla said.

On the home front, Bonilla and her husband moved to a new place just a few months before her son was born. She thought her leave would be the perfect time to unpack the last remaining boxes and organize the house, she said.

"Of course, that never happened," Bonilla said. "Luckily, we got the majority of it done before Cody arrived, and most importantly, we got the nursery set up and ready with the most important items weeks ahead as well."

PREPARING TO RETURN

Life changes when a baby enters the picture. To avoid post-partum frustrations, "Think far in advance about your childcare arrangements," Kang said. "Who's going to take care of your child? How many hours are you going to require childcare for? How expensive is it going to be?"

When Suzanne Eugenio of 'Ewa Beach returned to work from maternity leave with her first child, Kendyl, now 3, she remembers how nerve-wracking it was trying to find a baby sitter.

"Unless you have family or friends to help, there is anxiety in finding good childcare," said Eugenio, 29.

She's now on leave with her second child, 2-month-old Aeden, and plans to return to her job as a marketing manager next week. But she isn't nervous about going back to work this time around because she has engaged the sitter who watched her first child, she said.

"Another tip is to get used to leaving your child with someone else before you go back to work, whether it's having someone baby-sit while you and your spouse go on a date or even just leaving them with your spouse while you go out and run errands," Bonilla said.

The few times that Bonilla left her son with someone else while she was still on leave helped her get used to being apart from him for a few hours, she said.

Also, talk to your employer about the possibility of pumping breast milk at work; ask if there's a private place to pump and a refrigerator where you can store the milk that won't be an issue, Kang said.

"We really want to try to eliminate as many barriers to breast feeding as we can because there are just so many benefits to being able to breast feed," he said.

BACK ON THE JOB

Once you're back on the job, stay focused, Hippensteele said.

"When you're at work, work," she said. "Try to avoid spending a lot of time on the phone with the childcare provider ... because those are things that are hard to avoid for some parents, but will often drive an employer nuts."

That doesn't mean you can't stay connected with your little one. As with any other employee, new moms have the right to use their breaks to make personal calls, and they can use that time to contact their baby sitters, Hippensteele said.

"But they don't have a right to an unreasonable use of work time, so they just have to keep that in mind," Hippensteele said.

Any kind of stress from work can exacerbate underlying problems with postpartum depression and magnify feelings of inadequacy or guilt, Kang said.

Women need to know "that those feelings of adjustment are very natural and they shouldn't hesitate to seek counsel with their ob/gyn," Kang said, or to establish a support network with family and friends.

Also turn to your spouse to share the load of housework and parenting responsibilities, Bonilla said.

"My husband has really kicked it up as far as helping me around the house and in taking care of our son since I've returned to work, and it's been a tremendous help for me in making the transition," she said.

Finally, when you're not at work, be sure to make time for yourself. Make arrangements with your spouse or a family member to get some alone time — even if it's for just 15 minutes to take a break and have some tea, Kang said.

"I really encourage my patients to try to spoil themselves with little pleasures in life, whatever that might be," Kang said. "You can't be a good mom if you are just running on empty all the time."

Reach Zenaida Serrano at zserrano@honoluluadvertiser.com.