U'ilani Young remembers the day when she finally had enough.

Her ex-boyfriend was punching her again and again. She had two black eyes and a split lip, and still he kept hitting her.

"He was punching me hard, like a man. He hit me 10 or 15 times before I could finally get out of the house. I was calling for help, but no one came," she said.

That's when she knew she had to leave an abusive relationship that had been going on for several years, she told a small gathering of women in 'Aiea yesterday who were observing the United Nations' Day to Eliminate Violence Against Women.

"You can love the person, but not the behavior," she said, trying to explain how it took years for her to finally stand up to her abuser.

Young's story of reaching a breaking point after years — and sometimes decades — of emotional, verbal, sexual and physical abuse is typical of many women in Hawai'i and around the world, said other speakers at yesterday's panel discussion sponsored by the Zonta Club of Leilehua, part of an International Service Organization for women.

"A lot of times, women won't take any action the first time they are abused," said Leigh Yokoyama, an outreach worker for Kapi'olani Sex Abuse Treatment center and herself a survivor of domestic abuse. "Sometimes, it's not even the second or the third time, but maybe the 10th time before they are finally ready to get some help."

Family, friends, neighbors and the community need to stand ready to give help when it's finally sought, Yokoyama said.

While awareness of domestic abuse has grown in recent years and many private and public programs provide help, several speakers said yesterday that it continues at "epidemic" levels in Hawai'i. On the Big Island, for instance, officials said earlier this month reports of domestic abuse are up 7 percent this year and all four homicides in Hawai'i County have involved domestic violence.

"Instead of sitting around discussing things, we wanted to know what we could do to help," said club member Rene Mansho.

The most important thing is to listen, said Ann Banglos, who manages a shelter for abused women for the Child and Family Services organization. Listen for signs of trouble, and then listen when someone is finally ready to tell their story, she said.

"Don't think it isn't your business. As long as we allow it to happen, it's everyone's business," she said.

When Young finally reached the breaking point, she called police to have her boyfriend arrested, sought help and got a restraining order against him.

Today, the boyfriend is serving a six-month sentence at O'ahu Community Correctional Center for repeatedly violating that restraining order, she said. Young, a single mom, works in the prison's payroll department.

"I represent all these things other people are saying today," she said. "I had to wait a long time before taking action, but I finally did. I can stand here and laugh about it now, but it is a miracle I wasn't killed that day."

Reach Mike Leidemann at mleidemann@honoluluadvertiser.com.