I'm afraid. It's not immobile terror, just fear.

Because I'm not perfect, I'm afraid of getting what I deserve. I am flawed and I make mistakes — daily.

Perhaps that's what the phrase "God-fearing" means.

But I also know that the God that I worship is parent-like, loves me unconditionally and only wants the best for me — the best lessons in life for me.

So I go through life making mistakes and getting disciplined in a loving way. If I spend too much money on myself and show off my possessions, then my home may be invaded and my worldly ornaments taken. If I am curt or rude to someone at work, then someone may be curt and rude to me in a manner that's 10 times worse. If I recycle the small-est store receipt even though my neighbor is trashing a refrigerator cardboard box and 50 pounds of a mango tree, I will be rewarded tenfold.

I wasn't always afraid. For a long time, I thought we got what we deserved.

I saw robbers, liars and cheaters get away with misdeeds. So I thought God had stepped away from the helm. I have since learned he never steps away. He never takes a break. Sometimes it just seems as though he's not paying attention.

On the positive side, if I am patient and helpful to someone, it can come back to me tenfold. If I donate money without conditions, I may get it back tenfold.

I don't always see the results immediately. Sometimes I wait impatiently for what the universe "owes" me. And sometimes blessings are all around me, but I'm too self-absorbed to see them.

A long time ago, one of my bosses treated me unfairly. I was so upset, I consulted a lawyer. In the end, I accepted an unjustified punishment issued by the boss for whom I had lost all respect. I moved on and did nothing to get even. I ended the hurt with me and tried not to bounce it around the universe.

Years later, this same boss was fired from her job. It was an embarrassing public dismissal. My hurt had left me long ago, but I saw the wrath of God provide an important lesson to my former boss and to me. What goes around, comes around. And I realized I was afraid.

I was afraid because I saw the universe right itself where I thought the universe had forgotten about me.

I had compassion for a boss who had mistreated me years before. I felt pride knowing that I did absolutely nothing to cause this hurt. And I knew that I could never do anything bad to another human being without feeling guilt or remorse — knowing that God knows what was in my heart and whether I had regret and repentance.

I am still far from perfect. I continue to slip up daily. I continue to be afraid — afraid of hurting people and the universe. So I think about everything I do and make sure I do the best I can so I will avoid shifting pain to the world.